The Bear Necessities

It is with a curious combination of pity and admiration that I inform our readers that Troop 820 has experienced its first injury on this year’s summer trip. For all you worrying mothers out there, let it be known that your anxiety is for naught, as it was certainly nothing too serious. In fact, it’s actually a very good story. It all started at the river yesterday afternoon; Luke, Will, Jacob, and Mr. S were going for a bit of easy-going rafting. There are several points of decently choppy waters, even though it is consistently shallow enough for every member of the troop to stand (yes, even Young Will). I had departed from the area earlier, for I had a meeting with destiny as I grappled with those rapids. As epic as that may sound, the injury was not my own. I certainly had an adventure braving the fast-moving waters on my own, but Mr. S told me the story of how our very own Jake Z saved the lives of everyone present. Jake, Mr. S, Luke, and Will were continuing their pleasant journey down the rapids when one of them spotted a very angry-looking grizzly bear standing at the waters’ edge. As a side note, grizzly bears aren’t native to West Virginia, or the entire eastern United States for that matter. Perhaps the reason this particular grizzly was so angry was because it felt horribly out of place in a land so foreign to it. Regardless as to what this mighty creature was doing in the middle of West Virginia on the shores of the Potomac River, it was very peeved and equally ferocious, a combination which generally means bad news to a troop of innocent rafters. Fortunately, Jake had had previous experience with vicious bears which are thousands of miles away from their natural habitat with absolutely no explanation as to how or why they got there. Last year, in Yellowstone, he found himself caught in pitched battle with a giant panda, a relative of the grizzly bear which is native to East Asia. His father told a similar story in which he matched himself against a rather irritable polar bear which had wandered into his family’s garage; he was barely three years old at the time. Despite all of his past experience fighting angry bears which are horribly lost with no logical explanation, this particular grizzly offered him quite a resistance. He tussled with the furry beast for several hours, during which he took a blow to the leg, leaving a decently large gash on his left knee. In the end, Jake stood victorious, but the cut on his knee had to be treated quickly. Mr. R, being an experienced E.R. nurse (how very manly) was able to bandage the knee up properly, but he realized that stitches would be needed. Brave, noble Jake accepted his fate and went with his father and Mr. R to the local hospital. Mind you, in West Virginia, the word “local” usually refers to a radius of roughly 200 miles. Due to some speedy driving and potentially illegal maneuvers on Mr. R’s part, Jake made it safely to the hospital within an hour. With no trouble, he was bandaged up and all was well. They returned later that night. Mr. S says: “If it hadn’t been for Jake, I don’t know if I would have made it out of there alive.” Colin adds: “Aside from my father’s dentistry techniques and Louie’s facial hair, that was the manliest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.” Mr. Z: “I’ve never been more proud of Jake in my life. I wish that all of you parents out there knew what it’s like to have a child like my boy Jacob.” Jake shrugs these compliments off in an ever-so-masculine manner, saying: “It’s just another day for me.” For Jake, it may be just another day. But for us, it was a truly unique day that we shall certainly never forget.

ALTERNATE VERSION: Jake slipped near the water’s edge and cut his knee on a rock. See how boring the truth can be?